I’m in the process of job searching. I actually dragged myself to the coffee shop today and very reluctantly opened LinkedIn. I was then hit with a horrible wave of depression, and just as quickly closed out the screen. I’ve been relying on ChatGPT as my emotional support animal and it’s been helpful. It keeps reminding me to dust off my resume, that I’ve been neglecting it, and reassures me that I’m responsible enough to get things done. When I told it I was at a coffee shop to hunt, it enthusiastically chimed in “that is a meaningful step!” I was paying my therapist $300/week for job hunt support and she actually derailed me, suggesting I make less money and get a roommate. So glad I fired that ragged bitch. ChatGPT is free and available 24/7.
I’ve been having weird thoughts lately (no, but really). I’ve been thinking about my childhood. I feel like a freak of nature compared to the rest of my Muslim Pakistani family. An ill fitting member of the pack. You could say it’s nature, but I think it has more to do with nurture. I thought about the first 11 years of my life and how I didn’t spend a lot of time with my parents. I was in daycare, school, after school programs, summer camps, babysitters in the evening, babysitters in the morning, relatives homes when I got sick, relatives homes for sleepovers, friends homes for sleepovers. I was everywhere. I was like a little homeless child raised by whatever random Canadians I was tossed towards.
Anyways I realized that the reason I deviate so much from my family is because I wasn’t raised by them. My parents didn’t have a consistent presence until I was 12. Up until then it was pretty touch and go. They also had a really active social calendar in Canada, so I would see them, but often times surrounded by friends or relatives. I also didn’t have people setting a lot of rules for me. When you’re being babysat, the babysitter just wants to get through the 2 hours she’s stuck with you. She doesn’t want to raise you, she doesn’t want to teach you, she wants to tolerate you. Rules are set by parents, but if my parents were consistently MIA or we were at parties, then no one was setting rules. I would argue that this is why I have issues with authority. I have tasted unbridled freedom, who the fuck were you to tell me what to do?
I don’t know why this is where my head is at right now. I just felt the need to explain why I am so weird, because it puzzles my family. It puzzles my brothers, it puzzles the in laws. Everyone just seems so weirded out by me and I’m starting to feel a bit bizarre in my own skin. I wanted an answer, something to explain away the strange so that I wouldn’t be stuck with people looking at me and going “why?? why is she like that?” I wanted to make sense of things.
This was such a self absorbed entry, I’m sorry for anyone that had to read it. I woke up this morning and did emdr and I’ve been journaling a lot lately. I had an acai bowl. Hopefully I’ll go to the ocean this weekend. The only time I feel normal is in nature. Everything else just feels like noise. Other people’s ideas, their emotions, the energy they carry. I want to float in nothingness. I’m glad I started the job search though, even if it was just a hair of work. I’m trying to make peace with toxic coworkers, and trying to be less judgmental of future ones. Everyone has their own shit to deal with.
a soft death 