It’s been such a weird struggle to start writing lately. I would describe the feeling of not being able to express oneself as being suffocated with cotton. Instead of words coming out of your mouth, there’s just a weird bleached out blandness wedged into the center of everything. I guess all of life right now revolves around trying to unhook the blandness.
It’s coming in waves though. I think life moves in waves and seasons. I like aging because you stop seeing life as something that is about you. It is its own beast and it has its own rhythm. So much of adulthood is trying your best but also learning when to give up control and accept things for what they are. When I got a tarot reading, the reader (who had tattooed the sclera of one his eyes black) told me that I needed to learn to not be so strong in the mind. “Let life flow.”
I’m getting better at navigating life though. I’ve been anxious about leaving my job because it’s comfortable and safe and I’m worried about what will open up next. I talked to my coworker about my concerns and he said that I was getting complacent and I needed to set a goal. He’s right. Things don’t get better with ease, they get more complicated. Managing difficulty is a requirement for living. Trying to have a simple life will only leave you more defeated over time.
I also keep thinking about the Lord of the Rings, which is kind of a funny way to angle out the whole situation. I read the entire series when I was 12 and I remember that their journey had different cycles to it. Sometimes it maimed them. They would be hungry, wounded, and walking for miles while staving off predators. Other times they were safe, healed, and well fed. Even after those peaceful periods of healing they still had to return to the road, to finish the task. Even the beginning of the book starts out with a hunger for adventure, the desire to depart from what is known and safe for something new and different. I’ve watched the trilogy so many times. Anyways.
The point is I have to stop seeing this as a loss. I need to accept that life is going to change, and that I need to start acclimating to that change in order to grow. I’m not saying lingering comfortably at my desk for the past few years was a waste, I actually grew a lot as a person. But I think my growth has to be invested into forward momentum. If I let it pile up in the background, it becomes inert and meaningless. Wisdom can be collected, but it can also be applied.
A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor – African proverb
a soft death 