I feel so completely exhausted right now. I ran out of B Vitamins (usually I have them in stock at home). I ordered some more, but I guess it’s going to be another 1-2 days before they arrive. That’s ok, I think. The summer heat has been really strong and I’ve been trying to stay hydrated while catching up on sleep. Everything seems to be covered in quiet, accompanied by the cool of the AC. I’m trying to put things back together, I guess.
I started making YouTube videos which has been a fun venture. I completely forget how healthy it is to be creative, but I also completely forgot how fucking difficult it is. Last night I went to make a video (in my defense it was around 10pm) and half way through the tarot reading, my brain completely blanked. It sucked because the reading was really good, but I was too exhausted to finish it. I thought that the fatigue was from a lack of B vitamins. I don’t know. Or maybe it’s the 6.5 hours of sleep I’ve been averaging for the past couple weeks. Heat always does this to me.
Everything is an adjustment though and it’s been fun to churn out the readings. When I hit the brick wall last night, I immediately thought about getting back into writing. It’s all a process. I’m tempted to turn the tarot readings into a morning routine. Wake up at 6am, film something, and then edit it before shipping off to work for the day. Creativity is a stimulating gift but it comes with it’s own complicated set of needs. I always follow through though.
I had a headache on Friday and spent most of the evening napping in my bed. I felt down for a little bit and then started googling Carl Jung quotes and listening to Max Richter. Art is interesting because you can feel completely down and exhausted, and then music or a piece of writing reminds you that you are very much alive. A few years ago I was thinking of completely abandoning New York and moving to Antigua Guatemala, or Brazil. The city felt too exhausting to keep up with. I didn’t think it was possible to be creative here, but I feel like I’m learning to let both worlds exist.
Life is so weird. I feel unmoored much of the time, and to be perfectly honest, I think most people do. I want to complain about the whole thing, but it feels like a waste of time, an asinine venture. Life is complicated, the world is complicated, we’re making the most of what we have (hopefully…). I know what I love and I burn what I have of myself into it. I don’t know. I don’t really feel like being existential right now. I’m tired and just want my sleep back.
a soft death 