Sometimes I Hate Therapy

I’m trying to get back into the swing of things, of writing per se. I went through my stats for the past few years and realized that my output had significantly dropped off and I wanted to shift the needle on that. It’s really hard to articulate myself at the moment because I’m so not used to writing in a blog. I have to force myself to type things out, to write terrible entries.

So I guess this is the beginning of a restart, and like any restart it’s going to be pretty awful for a while. I’m kind of excited about it though. I had a thought this morning that stuck with me, and it was that I found failure somewhat liberating. Failure means the absence of expectation, failure means that you’ve been written off. Failure means that no one really cares what you do, which means that you can do whatever you want.

I’m trying to shake whatever depression I’m dealing with lately. It comes and goes but it seems to be a persistent cloud that hangs over my head. To be fair, it was much bigger, darker, and more painful several years ago. Now it’s like a slight nuisance. If I were to describe the color of my depressive cloud, it would be a soft fluffy gray. Something that promises gentle rains more than an outrageously tumultuous thunderstorm. That’s a good sign though. I think it means that in the grand scheme of things, my life is continuing to improve.

I was actually having a good day though and then I got on a call with my therapist and it ended with me crying about my life for 10 minutes. She floated the idea of taking medication but I felt turned off by it. I think I like therapy and I like introspection, and more importantly I like writing while drinking coffee. I don’t want to sedate myself, I want to figure out how to get my blood to run. Where does life pulse for me? Feed into that.

This entry sucks, I think. It feels more like strange naval gazing into the seemingly nothingness of my life, than anything fruitful. It’s meandering. Portrait of a Woman at 12:54pm on Wednesday, March 25th. It’s a momentary snapshot, it captures the essence of today but like anything else in life, it will eventually fade away.