I keep thinking back to a couple winters ago, when I came out of a heavy depressive cycle. For whatever reason I was mildly obsessed with grass fed and finished red meat. I would go to the butcher shop in my neighborhood to get small amounts of liver, calf and lamb, and I would return home and cook it in butter with sliced white onions. I felt like a weirdo for doing this, but it was actually super worth it. Liver is incredibly nutrient dense.
I’m thinking about this today because I feel so tired. I’m getting my period soon and the fatigue is really bad. Yesterday, in an attempt to ward off the PMS symptoms, I drank: 3 cups of coffee, a green juice, 100 oz of water, and 2 cups of dandelion tea. I might get liver tonight to see if it helps with the symptoms. I’m supposed to go to the gym tomorrow morning but I keep opting for an extra hour of sleep instead. Maybe if I go to bed at 9pm tonight, I will be wide awake when 6:30am rolls around.
I feel super tired right now, slow and sort of dazed out. I like it when I’m in this fugue state because I don’t really do much work, just peck at my email and wait to go home. I’m hoping to do a full clean of my apartment tonight too, just for the sake of bringing more zen energy into the space. I want to veg out and then eventually bleed out. Alex and Moxy are in Hungary right now and they’ve been calling, but I’m in a weird headspace and am reluctant to pick up. I feel like I would be dull to talk to.
Oh, exciting news. I have a shoe cabinet in my entryway that broke on Sunday. It was from Ikea and I’ve had it for 7 years. I spent several hours, well into 1 am on Sunday night, looking at shoe storage. There were metal lockers, wood ones, expensive ones, the whole gamut blazed across my laptop screen in 30 open search tabs. I eventually picked one out, ordered it Monday, and it was delivered on Tuesday. The package was huge and incredibly heavy (it’s 4 feet tall), and I spent that night assembling it.
When I got into work on Wednesday I proudly showed my boss and coworker. His response was “you sure don’t need no man.” My coworker fleshed the sentiment out, he explained “I teach my daughter to assemble her own furniture so she won’t have to call some guy to help her. It’s good for you. It helps build self esteem.” I’m proud of it, not because I didn’t have to call someone, but because, in the midst of not having the option to do so, I could still depend on myself.
a soft death 