I have to keep writing, which is frustrating because writing can be difficult and demanding. I feel like I had a really good flow last year and I was putting out quality entries. Then my flow came to a screeching halt. Now I’m trying to put the project back together. There’s a form of divination where people read coffee grinds, and I was listening to a reading for Aries. The lady said “you need to restart a creative project. Let’s say you tried to bake a cake and the whole thing fell apart. You need to try again.”
I’ve had a lot of encouragement come through for my writing from psychic readings. Around the time I started the blog, back in December 2022, I consulted a tarot reader and asked for messages from my grandmother. The tarot reader gave me a few short messages and then paused “she says you’re doing something new here with your career…she’s saying go for it.” There were so many times that I wanted to quit writing but my grandmothers blessing lingered over the project. What I would have comfortably abandoned became something I learned to reluctantly move forward with.
The goal right now is to get back into the swing of the weekly entry. I think that’s a good pace because there’s a deadline, an obligation to show up. Sometimes the timing of the obligation precedes my readiness, and I think that’s how the good stuff happens. Right now I don’t feel like writing at all, I just know I have to. It’s sort of like forcing yourself to throw up. Writing this entry isn’t pleasant or comfortable, it’s quite literally the equivalent of sticking my fingers down my throat. I’m just trying to get it over with.
It sucks to have been mentally offline for the past few months, but in a lot of ways I’m grateful to see myself walking back into my old skin. I’m getting better with stress now. Life is very much a sandcastle on the beach. You build under the hot sun and then a wave comes and breaks the whole thing down. You wait for the sand to dry, and then rebuild. I feel like I’ve done this so many times, especially over the past 4 years, that when stress hits I basically go on autopilot. Slow down, get a good night’s sleep, spend time with friends, do EMDR, wait for the wave to pass, recover, move forward.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be an Aries. Aries is the first sign in the zodiacal wheel. We’re born in early Spring. A fire sign, ruled by Mars, the God of War. I think it’s funny that war would be associated with Spring. When I think of the season it is cool and flowery, with gentle rains treading in the background. Winter runs death rattles across the surface of the Earth, but it is soft blooms which emerge to shatter the glacial reign. Death is impermanent, mercilessly cut short by the rebirth of life.
a soft death 