Cooked

My brain is so cooked right now, completely fried, skewered, and chopped. I kind of hate the feeling but I’m trying to accept it for what it is. I did a ton of psychedelics over the last few weeks and it helped me recover from a really intense, emotionally draining experience. I think I did too many though because on Sunday I went to a different place inside myself and after that I decided enough is enough.

After that trip, I kinda hate myself. I guess I could describe the trip as this girl that saw herself as way too wildly ambitious, and in a way that can create problems for others. My parents stopped taking care of me when I was 17 and my life sort of collapsed after that. I wanted to make up for all the pieces that went missing so I moved to the city and tried to stabilize my life here. In some ways it feels like there’s a weird ugliness about my ambition, or my goals. It feels like I’m someone who’s biting off more than they can chew. Like I should pack everything up and accept my lot in life.

I think that’s what happens to a lot of people I know that left Ohio. They eventually can’t sufficiently stabilize in the city and go back. I keep wondering about the trajectory of my life and the direction I’m moving in, and if I’m even doing the right thing by staying here, if this is even a mature decision. Sometimes I feel like an unwieldy overgrown child, biting off way more than I can chew, harming the environment I exist in.

I don’t know, I just want to be away from everything. Back to being by myself, processing, watching the world reassemble itself like little lego pieces. The shrooms were intense but I’m surprised by how therapeutic and healing they were as well. It’s nice to put myself back together, to heal and feel whole again.

Last year for my birthday I summited a volcano. I remember coming back to New York and feeling so annoyed by my life, the amount of work I needed to do get things in alignment, to move the needle forward in a different direction. It’s weird to be sitting here in the middle of summer, a year later, after too many psychedelics, putting so many different pieces back together. I like the alone time though, I like the silence.

*please be responsible with psychedelic use. I have friends of friends that have induced temporary states of psychosis and committed suicide as well. Ideally, please use while in therapy. If you are isolated or do not have a support network, please avoid using because it does get weird and sad very quickly.