I haven’t written in ages. I iced my parents out of my life years ago because, technically speaking, there were only 2 children in the home, my brothers. I didn’t exist as a child to them. I don’t know why I didn’t exist, but I didn’t. I try not to mull over it, it’s not my responsibility to fix their blindness. At the end of the day, blindness will be the thing that kills them anyways. The snake always eats its own tail.
I like invisibility so much though, I like living beneath the surface, under the rot of everything. I like being inaccessible. People are so empty these days, a sea of smiling faces with nothing inside. When I was last with Alex she was telling me about how she was getting text messages from her friends for not being a good enough friend. This was so weird to me, it felt invasive. If someone texted me that I would drop them as a friend. If I can’t meet your metrics now, I won’t down the road. Hope you find what you’re looking for.
I think a part of me is ignoring my parents so I can charge them a fee if they try to rebuild a relationship with me. An abuse, abandonment, and neglect fee. I want to charge them a lot, mostly because they fucking suck and there’s no way anyone would want to sit in a room with them for free. They’ve never felt pressured to develop a personality so money is a compensatory mechanism for getting people to tolerate their existence. I know one girl that moved in with her architect boyfriend who pays for everything, throws her in nice places, buys her Dries Van Noten. I remember listening to one of their Facetime calls. He goes “Bet you don’t know anyone that drives a Porsche!!” What a schmuck.
I would never. My ex had money and I spent the first few months of the relationship curled up in his apartment on drugs, his millions paying my rent. It was nice but I eventually got restless. When he tried to cheat on me I left him for a $19 an hour job at CB2. It was weird because, technically speaking, he was at the top of the food chain. The upper echelons of America, his parents erecting giant residential buildings around Atlanta. It’s supposed to be the most marvelous life experience, but it felt empty. The joy of a five star hotel room is quickly sucked away when you’re in it with a massive asshole. It’s energy that makes things nice.
People are so addicted to their suffering and misery. That’s why I say the snake always eats its own tail. People love to live in their rot, they love to parade it in front of you, they love to advertise their rot. They think it’s so powerful to be filled with rot, to cut others down. What a life to have lived, what a marvelous accomplishment to have achieved. I’m glad I have whatever I was given. It was so miniscule, a charming childhood, an intellectual bloodline, vacations in developing countries. Broken homes don’t come with many rules, I found my freedom. I have my integrity.
a soft death 