I love that I can title an entry holy fuck. Obviously there are no rules here. I’m writing this on a Saturday night but have no idea when it will actually hit the site. Maybe tonight, maybe not. I smoked a ton of weed today and am listening to techno in the pitch black of my living room.
I spent the evening crying while listening to Aphex Twin. It wasn’t a depression cry though, but more of a cathartic cry. Years ago while staying in a hotel with my ex boyfriend, I drew a bubble bath and cried while listening to Max Richter’s the Blue Notebooks. Also the track Sarajevo. I remember telling my ex and he was puzzled. I tried to get him to understand that it wasn’t sadness. It was fear collapsing, an opening to experience beauty at a deeper level.
Everything seems to be calming down, I think that’s why I cried this evening. I feel like my nervous system is settling back into itself and I’m feeling a little bit more alive each day, a little more functional, a little more human. I hate it when I’m down and out. I’m like a sick kid stuck at home watching my friends play outside. I want to spend more time being alive instead of trying to survive.
I feel like I’m so fucking sensitive sometimes. I have such an intense need for harmony and calm. I only ever dial into myself when everything is super mellow. And then once everything is super mellow my risk taking behaviors ensue and I return to a state of anxiety. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever completely understand myself. The stoics say no feeling is final, I will love myself through my madness.
a soft death 