this is also available on my substack
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I took a sick day from work today because I felt like I needed a day to reflect and get my life in order. I fucking hate how chaotic my life is sometimes. I’m trying to get a handle on it and clear out a lot of the rubble, but it collects really quickly. I feel like New York is full of wormholes and it’s easy to get lost in one, find myself in another dimension, another reality. Sometimes it’s fun or interesting, but most of the time it’s super stressful to deal with, especially when you wind up veering off course. My mantra right now is eyes on the road. Like a car escaping from the scene of a bank robbery, I want to keep my focus and speed.
I had really weird hormonal issues for a couple months but that seemed to have cleared up. I got my period yesterday and right now my head feels clearer than a freshly cleaned window pane. I want to go back to being a really good robot, where all my gears are turning perfectly and I can keep up with the flow of work that is coming my way. Work is crazy right now and my inbox is constantly slammed with emails. It makes me nauseous to think about it. I need more time off, I am atrociously underpaid. Everything feels like it’s working against me and I am swimming upstream to keep up.
In a weird way I’m not angry about this. Rage seems to be an emotion that is dissipating from the horizon whenever I am dealing with something stressful. My 20-something self would have usually leaned into it, but my current version sees it as wasted energy. It’s better to visualize the future than to cry over spilled milk. I’ve been listening to a lot of Joe Dispenza (kinda new age-y) and playing around with visualizing and manifestation. Right now I imagine my future opening up like a glowing lotus flower, and inside are the things I want for myself. I love seeing my beautiful lotus flower, it makes me feel warm and safe.
Anyways I’m at my favorite coffee shop in the Lower East Side (I’m not telling you where, it’s a weird and gentle gem with a cute barista who is always deeply enamored with her phone). I’m two cold brews into my day and working on building my headspace around what I’m working on next. I imagine a raised platform and then a road extending from it. The raised platform is myself, my energy, lifting from my current reality, and then the path is what I walk to get to where I need to be. Wish me luck xo
a soft death 