I feel so sleepy right now. I woke up, got coffee, went to the gym, lost my airpods case, got to work late, and am now sitting at my desk typing. The streets are filled with blood. On a Sunday afternoon in April I remember listening to a tarot reader tell me that the world was going to undergo an unmasking and everyone would be in the throes of it. She said that Aries, because we had seen so much for the previous two years, would absolve ourselves of the drama and stay in pursuit of our own goals.
“Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys” is the title of the video. I remember listening to it and feeling a weird tension in the air, like the world was ready to mix, ready to descend upon itself. We were dangling at the precipice of that commotion. The last 4 weeks have been weird. I feel like I had an ongoing anxiety attack and had to cycle into smoking weed 3 times to settle my nerves. A bit of therapy and a lot of coffee later and things seem to make more sense.
Stress is a weird experience because I realize that it lives in the mind and the body. If I can settle my body, then the mind and eventually my reality will follow. Not my circus, not my monkeys. The energy at work has changed and we’ve gone from a more relaxed and communal environment to something that feels more cloak and dagger-ish. I’m trying to stay apathetic and keep my head afloat. It’s hard and my morale is slipping out from under me. Sometimes I let myself drown. It’s laying in the inky depths of my fear that I find the wisdom to carry on.
a soft death 