Have you played the most recent Zelda game? There’s a period of calm and prosperity and then Ganon returns. The return of Ganon is known as the Great Calamity. For some reason this video game reference feels like a perfect way to describe the way my life hammered out over the past few years. At the beginning of covid life was peaceful, calm, and I had a clear sense of direction. Then near the end of it everything went to shit and continued going to shit for maybe 2 years straight. It feels weird to think about how a period of peace can be followed by so much negative energy.
Let’s call this period of negativity “the calamity”. It was interesting, the entire time that I was going through the calamity I didn’t let it compromise my vision for a better life. I was in a different spot with myself and I tried to ride out the energy, smoke my way through the stress, exercise my way through the stress, and beach my way through the stress. I didn’t want it to leave a permanent mark on my morale. I wanted it to be a terrible storm that I weathered, waiting for the day it would end and the sky would turn blue.
The sky has turned blue again but it feels sour. I think going to Guatemala was significant because it was my first vacation since the ending of the Calamity and also the first time I felt such an intense influx of positive energy. Emotionally I’ve been in hysterics ever since I returned. It’s been 4 weeks since I’ve been back, and I’ve already spent 7 days of that 4 week window smoking weed. Lately I’ve been drinking too much coffee and coming up with schemes to get someone to pay me to spend 3 months abroad (Small business grants. Don’t ask. I’m fucking around with a lot of weird ideas).
I know the way that I am living my life right now is misaligned. I think that’s where the hysterics are coming from. A part of me wants to rip off my current life like it’s an ill fitted shirt and go find something better. I think that’s a good impulse to have and my brain is very much like “go in that direction.” I just don’t know what the fuck else comes next. All I know of stability is working corporate jobs, getting underpaid, and being stressed while living in front of a computer screen. I’ve had dreams before and I’m dreaming again, but I don’t know how to turn them into a reality. Do I even have the tenacity to do so?
a soft death 