I currently have really bad allergies. I had brain fog for a couple weeks and then got allergy meds and it significantly abated. I feel more functional now, but there’s this slight persistent itch under my skin, specifically around my lower cheeks and neck. It’s a weird and unpleasant feeling, but I’m staying hydrated and plan on taking an exceedingly cold shower later tonight to help my body decompress.
It’s been difficult to write ever since I returned. I feel like I had some really banging entries because I could think clearly, but now my brain feels like it’s melting out half sentences to reflect mundane life changes. Vacation is such a nice backdrop for personal growth and coming home can feel so dry. I spent a lot of time on Reddit reading about long term travel and post vacation depression. The long term travel stuff is interesting. Some people say there’s an incredible dopamine high in the beginning, but it eventually disappears into the background and real life, as we have always known it, comes back into focus.
I’ve been thinking about my job search lately. Before my trip I couldn’t get my fingers around it. It felt like a burden, and an impossible one to shoulder. My “career” has been haphazardly slapped together so I could keep a roof over my head. I never really picked a path, so my resume feels like a list of meaningless skills. I go to parties in Williamsburg and tell people what I do and sometimes I think they bristle. I wonder if they look at me with pity.
I want to try to fix it though. Sometimes I get depressed about my career, but I snap out of it. I’ve come to realize that depression is a wasted emotion. There’s a carrot on a stick for me in all of this and sometimes I close my eyes to watch it dangle in front of me. Life is short, but it can be so meaningful. I don’t want to watch it burn in a state of despondency. It will take some work, but maybe I can glue a new life together.
a soft death 