I want to run away from nyc, asap. If I could leave now, I would. I would move to California, Colorado, Guatemala. Anywhere that could get me away from this soulless urban landscape. I always thought this was the pinnacle of everything, and maybe for a period of time it was, but now it seems to be fading into the background as irrelevant and asinine.
I remember years ago my herbalist said that the only good place for me in the United States was California, otherwise I should consider leaving the country. “New York isn’t a good place for you.” I moved anyways. I look back at that decision and wonder about it. Was it a good idea? Could I have done better in another environment?
The key is to understand that I wanted to be here, that I liked the pressure and the way the city forced me to think and evolve. I did grow a lot within it and in ways that I would not have elsewhere. I think everyone comes to the city with the intention of chasing a dream, of making it big, of becoming the best version of themselves. I did the same, and after several painful years it finally did yield the fruit I was seeking.
It’s weird to think that the city has expired for me. I called my psychic uncle in Mexico City a couple years ago. “New York is going to put you into a deep depression, you need to get out.” I felt the edges of what he was saying. 2 years later I feel it completely.
On my way to the airport 2 weeks ago, my phone started flickering. When I got in line to check in the screen tapped out. It’s still functional but it looks completely bleached out. I could turn it in for a new one, but I kind of want to keep it as is. It helps me disconnect from mindless scrolling and wire more deeply back into myself, into the truth of my reality. I need to exit a life I’ve known for over a decade.
a soft death 