I’m so exhausted. I’m taking a 5 day break from work. I am surprised by how exhausted I am. It feels like every day I go to work I get put through a meat grinder. My job is already hard enough and I have a slew of emails I have to manage on a daily basis. We recently hired a new team member and they seem more interested in resolving their ego crisis with their coworkers than going to therapy, so we’re all stuck with a human bowling ball of a train wreck.
I wish I wasn’t complaining. I wish I had something positive to say, like things were going well, and everything was pretty and perfect. But it’s not, everything seems convoluted and messy. I’m glad I’m taking 5 days off. It always helps me get back into my emotional rhythm. Even just writing down how I feel seems to be significantly lifting my spirits.
Life is hard when it’s a bit of a roller coaster. It gets very Sysphian. I roll the ball up the hill and then it comes crashing back down. One of my favorite zen quotes seems to reflect this dynamic so well: “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” I feel like I’m constantly flying through hurdles and after conquering them, I am handed more work.
There are so many happy healthy people running around Williamsburg today. I want to run my hands on their skin, through their hair and ask them what it’s like to have serotonin, if I can have some. Regardless of what happens, I’m not smoking weed. I’m going to sit in McCarren Park, listen to metal, and try to process everything. Emotionally exhale and find my center. Annihilate me, New York City.
a soft death 