I haven’t smoked weed in 28 days, exactly 4 weeks. I wanted to smoke tonight. I came home today, looked at the sky and thought “today would be perfect.” I let the thought pass and got my acai bowl from the fridge. I might go to the ocean tomorrow. Everything about this weather feels ripe for a trip to the beach.
I’ve quit dating indefinitely. I don’t want the stress of romantic connections, more so the meltdown that occurs when attempting to build one. My body is exhausted and I want to be alone and take care of myself. I don’t hate dating. Finding a relationship is a lengthy process and being in one isn’t that important. A relationship is like going to the store to buy decorations for a party. They’re cute and bring a certain charm to your life, but they’re not essential for survival.
Whenever I start dating I call it a dating season. I’m usually single for an extended period of time and then I get curious about boys. The next thing I know I’m caught in a 6-12 month maelstrom of boy drama. That’s considered a dating season. I’m currently wrapping one up. Before the start of this one I had a sweet vision of how my search for love would play out. It would be like going on vacation in a tropical country and finding someone cute to float with in the hotel pool. Instead I wound up in South Sudan with a rifle wedged between my arms, trying to outrun military gunmen.
There was a lot of disappointment when dating season unraveled in a painful way. Initially I thought it was me, that I was cursed and undeserving of the things I wanted. Gradually my perspective shifted. I went on YouTube, watched a ton of dating videos, and realized that my approach to what is a fairly complex process was completely wrong. I was expecting to fall into a honey colored romance. The reality was dating and relationships are work. I had to learn to move slowly, carefully assess the person I was talking to, listen to my gut if something felt off, and not be afraid to walk away from something toxic.
A few years ago I dated a finance bro with an expensive condo overlooking McCarren Park. He had an elevator that opened directly to his living room and got annoyed when I drank regular water instead of sparkling. He also made me feel bad about myself. I had a full blown existential crisis over it because I wasn’t used to being so intensely dismissed by someone. This current cycle of dating is helping me see that experience differently. I realize that people have two realities. One is an intensely exaggerated social persona. The other is the internal self, the ball of energy underneath the mask and superficial accoutrements. On the surface he was beautiful, but the energy he brought into my life was painful. I’ve realized that the essence of a relationship, the person you eventually grow to love, is the one that lives behind the mask. The being that wants glow back to you in the dark.
a soft death 