I have a pretty tumultuous relationship with my immediate family and a few years ago I stopped going home for Christmas. What would be a seemingly depressing holiday has been replaced with me getting myself presents and maybe watching a movie. Last Christmas I met up with an old friend and we had whiskey together. It’s not the worst life experience per se, because I’ve leaned into ways to make it better.
I remember my first Christmas solo where I bought myself a bunch of presents, plus got a bonus at work and I remember coming home, looking at the stuff I got myself, and thinking “you know, this isn’t the worst.” Sometimes life can be grim, but there are silver linings, and there are ways to create softness in a tough situation.
The last year and a half was a series of experiences where I was emotionally round house kicked in the face by dudes. I was completely down for the count, and processing those situations left me with an incredible amount of anger and hurt. Pain is seductive, and there is a part of me that wants to wallow in it, it’s such an easy space to slip into. But it also feels like a very powerless place to fall into. I don’t want to be a person perpetually distorted by the hurt I experienced. I don’t want to build my life around someone else’s negativity. I want to be whole, happier, better.
I’m an Aries and I’m ruled by the God of War, so true to my nature, I’m kicking against the situation and trying to find my way through it. Have you seen Lady Gaga’s Marry the Night music video? She was raped when she was 19. The music video is a reference to her stay in a psych ward to recover from the event, and the internal fight to emotionally survive the situation and become Lady Gaga. It’s a little cheesy, but I love it because it captures what it’s like to be backed up against a wall and still fight. I’m also listening to Break My Soul (The Queens Remix) mostly because Madonna is on the track. In it Beyonce says “Love Thy Haters.” If people who hurt you are haters, then the dignified thing would be to rise above the anger rather than become it.
Consolation prizes. I guess coming out of a bad situation is a bit like doing Christmas solo. When I was walking home from work today I tried to keep track of the things that were going well for me, the small positives that were blooming out of the hurt. I realized that these were the equivalent of the Christmas presents I got myself. I didn’t get what I wanted, and things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, but the ocean of life was floating small gifts to me, reminders that life was filled with possibility, and that the future could swell with abundance.
a soft death 