I actually started writing a post on loneliness and I really liked it, but currently it’s sitting in my drafts waiting to be finished. I think loneliness is a weird topic to write about because it’s something we all experience and are terrified of. I think people experience loneliness in varying degrees. For some it’s a constant never ending feeling, and for others it’s fleeting. An occasional moment of intense awareness that gently abates into time.
I don’t think loneliness is a necessary part of being alive. I would even argue that it’s unnatural. I think we’re supposed to live in deeply connected and interdependent communities. I remember reading in a book that the Native Americans had rich social bonds and communal frameworks that they thrived in, and how the lure of materialism from the Europeans eroded away at them.
When I was in my early 20s I struggled a lot with feelings of loneliness. I remember crying and calling my boyfriend at the time, trying to get him to soothe me. I was one of those people that could not stay single for a minute, I had to be tied to someone at all times. It wasn’t until I moved to New York that the feelings disappeared. The chaos of New York is very unique. It forced me to take on a more meditative energy. I realized that connecting and knowing myself was the only way to survive. Coming into this deeper awareness of myself rescued me from feelings of loneliness.
I am trying to understand myself again after coming out of a series of unfortunate romantic encounters. A lot of the experiences encompassed men projecting their idea of what emotions I was experiencing. They were usually a mixture of stupidity, desperation, and loneliness. I wasn’t in that headspace at all, and lately I’ve been trying to comb through myself. Am I lonely? Do I need company? I feel content in my solitude and I’m realizing that to others looking in, the quiet is jarring and terrifying, a reality in need of repair.
a soft death 