I am realizing people are layered and complex. I realize this is an obvious idea, but I’m beginning to see the different parts of a person. Matthew Hussey, who I love to death, always said people are complex and good people are complex. Sometimes when relationships don’t work out we think the person sucks, but it’s never that simple.
I feel like the few people I’ve gotten emotionally into over the past few years (honestly very very very few) have all been really put together. Like they’re nice people, they have beautiful apartments, lots of plants, great energy, good group of friends, and a good career in place. But then when it comes to emotional connectivity and building healthy relationships there’s a dead end.
One of the things that I come across in my relationship deep dives is the conversation around avoidant attachment. People who are emotionally avoidant don’t connect deeply with themselves. This in turn collapses their ability to form deep intimate bonds with another person. This is a painful experience because it results in consistent feelings of loneliness.
It’s not easy to resolve avoidant attachment. I had an incredibly tumultuous upbringing and have been in therapy since I was 21. I peeled off years of trauma baked into my skin, layer by layer. I had to sit with feelings of shame, guilt, depression, loss (so much loss), anxiety, etc. and work through all of it. I had to make peace with these emotions and spiritually recover.
Having gone through that process, dating now is a very different ballgame. I look for someone that has sat with their emotional issues and tried to work through them, tried to get a handle on them. I realize it’s a big ask but it’s also the most critical element of a functional relationship. I hope that in the coming years people will put energy into trying to emotionally heal themselves so that they can lead happier, more peaceful lives, and build secure, meaningful relationships. Connectivity is critical.
a soft death 