I like didn’t need to eat the burger, but I did because I got high and was craving it. I also finally found sugar free açaí bowls (Pressed Juicery) and had my first one in what has probably been years. They were great. They are literally healthy junk food though.
My favorite thing that one of my favorite online people (Flynn Skidmore) wrote about love was that it creates a feeling of expansiveness in your life. It doesn’t take from it, it adds to it. I feel like we are actually looking for expansiveness in life when we go looking for love. We look for someone with a lot of money, good looks, or wild hobbies and we see those surface level things as indicative of our lives expanding.
Now that I’ve been dating more I realize that life has a different way of expanding. It doesn’t do so in this surface level way. It does so within you. Like when you start working out a lot and feel better, when you learn a new hobby and spend more time practicing it, or when you finish a good book.
I feel like all the guys I came across took from my ability to feel like my life was expanding. On the surface they looked adventurous, like they were lost exploring the world. In reality they were fairly emotionally collapsed. For them love and romance was a dramatic exchange of energy and then a swift exit. Intimacy, which is more complex and nuanced, unravels slowly over time like a game of chess. It’s a dry affair but eventually delivers a punch.
I’m, like, 100% single again. I have no idea what to make of all this time and space to myself again. I have no idea what to make of myself. I spent years single, going to therapy, working on myself, to land a relationship. I am returning to myself empty handed after attempting to find one. I feel weird reconnecting with myself because I feel like I had a narrative in my head of what was going to play out and am now faced with a very different story.
In a lot of ways, I think I am learning to understand what it means to want something, reach for it, fail, come to terms with the set back, and then get back up again. I’m taking a 60 day hiatus from dating. I have a dude that I’m supposed to meet with but I’ll probably cancel it. I’m too drained for this shit.
a soft death 