Relationships Can Make You Feel Like Your Voice Is An Option

I got my period yesterday and am listening to loads of Max Richter. I can’t believe how much I am processing and putting together in my mind regarding relationships lately. You know how they say your romantic relationships will mirror the home you grew up in? That shit is absolutely true.

I feel bad for straight men. I think they’re told to go out, get a job, make money, look impressive on paper, strive for power, power, and more power. But unlike girls, men don’t really grow up in friend groups where they can cry about their problems. I had a Teen magazine subscription when I was growing up and I remember there was a section where they talked about the problems some girls were dealing with, and another section was filled with readers sending in their most embarrassing moments. It was easier to find community and acceptance for your shortcomings as a chick. I’m not so sure a male equivalent existed.

I keep thinking about Glory Box by Portishead, the line “Give me a reason to be a woman, I just want to be a woman.” I feel like the way masculinity is shaped in our society, it stunts men from being able to access their emotional selves. That’s such a fucking crime. I’m such an emotional person. I consider myself a pretty tough person, but I still cried at the end of Lost in Translation.

It’s nice to be single again, to sit at my desk and listen to Max Richter, to think about all the anime and film I watched prior to the massive meltdowns men brought into my life when I tried to date. I have such an unbelievable need for harmony, stability, emotional connectedness. Emotions come in so many different shapes and sizes, flavors. I want to experience that with someone. The last thing I wanted to be was a surface level plaything for someone. A hit of dopamine. I wanted to be seen, to be connected with, to be valued as a person. To be valued for my depth.

Relationships can make you feel like your voice is an option. They don’t have to talk to you. They don’t have to text you. They don’t have to work through the fact that you feel hurt. They can just ignore you because it’s convenient for them. I think I’m realizing that our choice to settle for shitty relationships comes from a scarcity mindset. When we start to believe good partners are out there, good men are out there, our headspace shifts and we stop accepting breadcrumbs because we know with time and a little tenacity we can find a full meal.

Things are very still and quiet lately. I am starting to reconnect with myself after the chaos of the past 1.5 years. I feel like there are tiny hands in my chest that are working together to put my heart back together. It feels good to be able to heal myself, to take care of myself.