I ruined your day. Look at Amber. Saturn is in Pisces and now she’s bringing down the logical hammer instead of being her usual, idealistic, not living in reality, floating in between states of inebriation, self. But yeah. I’ve heard 2 things about romantic relationships that really stick with me:
“We need to start seeing relationships as a skillset, not a mindless emotional experience”
and
“Are they chasing a feeling or a person?”
Thinking of relationships as a skill set is my new favorite perspective. When I was younger, I was a lot hungrier. I wanted my boyfriends to save me, to serve as a band aid for all the things that never worked out in my life. It was fine that I felt that way, I was a kid and I was handling a lot of stress. At the same time though, as I’ve gotten older and more independent, I’ve realized that particular relationship structure isn’t one that I am interested in.
I’ve been single for 5 years now. I have so much freedom in my life. The relationships in my 20s were messy, whiny, codependent situations with so much arguing and disappointment. They always brought so much baggage into my life. When I left my last relationship I realized that I was looking at men to help me solve my problems instead of investing time and energy into sorting out my life. So I stopped dating, buckled down, and really started working on myself in my solitude.
Singledom is the greatest gift I’ve given myself. I learned to emotionally feed my being. I know how to sort through my emotions and validate them. I remember being in relationships where I didn’t know if the emotions I was struggling with would be validated by my partner. I got caught in cycles where I would be depressed and hope that I would be seen by the person I was with. Leaving relationships and spending time learning how to validate myself became my super power. I didn’t have to negotiate my reality, my emotions with someone else. I have total freedom to be who I am.
My idea of intimacy has evolved because of this though. It’s not that spicy and emotionally intense. I am not a fan of emotional intensity. I do like romantic emotions, but nothing off the charts. I think I like things to be cool, like a soft breeze at the beach. There are boundaries, the people in the relationship respect the other person’s experience of reality, their thoughts, and feelings. Your partner isn’t constantly triggered by your experience of reality. They have a skill set that enables them to manage engaging with you while managing themselves within their lives. They let you exist as you are so you can pursue the momentum of your own life, instead of trapping you in their emotional chaos.
Dating has been hard and it’s been full of disappointments, but it’s also been a positive learning experience too. I realize I don’t like texting, that I prefer to get to know someone slowly, that I don’t like emotional intensities, but quiet, so much quiet. That I want someone that feels comfortable around me, and knows how to manage having an emotional romantic experience. These seem like pretty basic asks, but as I spend more time reflecting and learning about relationships, I realize that this is going to take some time to find. I’m thankful for the roads this journey has taken me down though, I’ve gotten wiser and more clear in my attempts to fetch something that aligns with me.
a soft death 