Trying This On For Size On A Wednesday Morning

I’m sort of out of it and definitely a bit tired. I wanted to write something really badly last night, and this morning that motivation seems to have eclipsed me so I feel a bit more flat trying to conjure up something meaningful to say. I did think last night that I needed this blog more than it needed me, which is a healthy starting point.

I journal a lot, I journal aggressively. However, when things are going well I don’t journal a lot. It took me two years to fill a journal during a peaceful period in my life, and 1.5 years to fill 2 journals during a chaotic period of my life. Right now I’m transitioning into a more peaceful period so my writing should technically be experiencing a reduction. I’ve also switched to putting my thoughts into a blog, so in essence this blog is a public version of my private self.

It’s interesting getting in the habit of writing though, like I feel like I’m learning how to do it. I can’t have music playing. Total silence is ideal. I want to be able to focus on my thoughts and whatever is tapping out of me, making sure it’s making it’s way onto the page. It’s good to be able to produce something, even if it isn’t always a home run.

The last 1.5 years were so chaotic, it feels so peaceful to let that energy go. Recovering from a hectic life experience is weird. There are a lot of ups and downs that come from processing an event from the space of ever increasing emotional security. Clarity comes through, self affirmation and safety take center stage as more frenetic energies fade into the background. Life is cyclical though, no matter how much ground I gain in peace, pain will always manage to tear it away, asking me if I am seeking the bloated experience of bliss or true growth.

I don’t know if I’m a creative or someone with a lot of ants crawling under her skin, needing to always do something. Yesterday I felt like a bundle of nerves, wishing I could open up my blog and vomit out my thoughts. I ended up going to bed though because I needed sleep. This morning feels like the exact opposite energy, the gears of the day clicking along in a predictable set of grooves. I hope more days like this come, I am looking for the momentum to break new ground.