I sobered up, finally. I had a boy induced 17 month panic attack which was excruciating. The upside was that I knew it was a panic attack and by no means a normal or healthy experience. This awareness provided a thin buffer that kept me from getting swallowed by the situation.
But yeah. That chapter of my life is finally closed. Spring is here, I am back to my normal work out routine and I’m starting to tap back into the more settled nuances of myself. Part of the healing process seems to be putting an inordinate amount of energy into beauty products. I’ve never been a beauty product person, but I recently got into Bethenny Frankel’s Instagram reels where she talked about the glows she was achieving from relatively inexpensive drugstore products, and into the deep end I dove.
Now I wake up in the morning and spend 10 minutes doing my make up. I rinse my face, put on cream, sunscreen, wait 1 minute, add primer, wait 1 minute, and then I’m prepping foundation on my hand. I use a damp beauty blender and gently dab it into my skin. I like a soft sheer finish. Lighting is important for application. I contour, add concealer, my glossier cloud paint blush (I went to Sephora and tried 10 different blushes and this one drove it home), some mascara (Pat McGrath, I love her), and lip balm to finish.
I’ve also been obsessing over my hair. Does it need more moisture? Should I spend some time in the steam room this weekend so my skin, my hair can be well hydrated? Should I spend more time in the sauna? What about sleep? I need to work on getting more sleep at night. Sleep is the best beauty product.
I’m buying an overnight lip mask today too. I didn’t know I needed or wanted a lip mask. I googled the best lip balms and now I’m down $26 for a product that I could have spent $5 on.
Mommy issues. I wasn’t raised in a good home. My parents were what you would call “takers.” There are parents that will build you up, or at least provide a somewhat nurturing environment, and there are those that will rip you down so they can feed off of you. If my mom found out I was buying an overnight lip mask she would be pissed. At this point I think my parents would write me out of the will for having the audacity to take care of myself, instead of pouring my life and energy into them.
It’s strange to lean into self care after a cycle of unhealthiness. Toxic energy has a way of following me home, polluting every corner of my life. I burned sage every night for the past several months to deal with the negativity. The energy eventually left and I go home to a space that is a sanctuary. At night I am single and safe, unseen and away from the world, applying lip masks before bed, and mascara in the morning. The cracks of my skin are filled with creams, the surface of my body brimming with life.
a soft death 