Failure

I keep trying to write this entry but get distracted by whatever is happening around me. I’m at work right now and spent 2.5 hours working on email while listening to a Rich Roll interview. It’s been a productive morning so I felt like writing.

My last couple drafts were flat and I was annoyed by that. I realize it was because I had minor case of brain fog due to my bad habit. I made peace with this though. Last night I smoked the last of my joint and then tossed it off the Williamsburg bridge. It wasn’t a dramatic moment. Maybe it’s the anhedonia talking, but it felt as inane as sorting through recycling.

Trying to write and having a brain that isn’t working is like trying to run with a sprained ankle: mediocre results at best. At this point I’m not sure how much of the daily writing is about practicing, as much as it is about accountability.

In the Rich Roll interview they talked about the Physics of Progress, and how an innate part of that loop was failure. They talked about AI, and how because it isn’t a sentient being, could continue to fail over and over again until it achieved success. And that we as humans are so frequently crippled by the painful crisis that is low self esteem, that we actively disengage from our evolution.

I don’t know if it’s age or the many years I have spent in New York, but I’m learning not to let things have so much power over me, to try and be in charge of my own fate.